1. Dear future husband,

    There’s one more week til summer ends
    I had hoped to have met you and spent some of the summer with you, that hasn’t happened yet
    My heart wasn’t completely opened to you after all, another had it and seemingly still does
    If he does become you, he’s not you right now, so there’s validity in this letter
    I’m bettering myself so my readiness for you will be apparent
    Dating with a purpose after all
    I hope you’re readying yourself as well, our journey will be a great one

     

  2. August 23, 2014. 3:50pm

    Dear God,

    I’m praying for clarity
    I’m frozen and I’m yearning for it
    I have love for a conflicted spirit, and I know he’s lonely
    Bless him with the knowledge that the love he yearns for needs to come from within before
    My arms are outstretched to him but yet he refuses
    He says he prays but who knows
    So I’m praying for him
    He has my heart, pardon me while I take a moment and pray for myself
    I feel like I’m ready to share a life with someone, but god, you keep sending me hurt souls, yearning souls, men in so much need. I was born from so much love and I don’t feel like I’ll run out, I wanna give it to to him.
    I wanna shower him with it, I’m guessing I need to make sure my reasons are right.
    I can’t give it with hopes of them miraculously deciding I’m worthy of them. I have to just simply give it. It’s quietness in me which can say, I was good to him, whether he knew it or not, so I’ll keep giving.
    God, I’m ready to share it.
    I’m ready to share my life with someone.
    I’m ready to give all my love to man who wants it.
    Patience.
    So as far as he and I, I’m asking you for clarity. Please shine a light on this. Please reveal to me all I need to see, so I know to take the next step, which is best for myself. His journey is one he’s on, and I’m praying he finds what he needs.

     

  3. August 22, 2014. Sometime in the am

    I’m standing in front of a seemingly closed door
    I’m knocking over and over, sometimes it opens and sometimes it doesn’t
    I’m nothing of value
    Now I’m floating in an ocean, I was near the shore, I could feel the ground beneath me
    I’m floating away, only his hand can grab me back
    I can’t swim
    I’ve done this for long enough
    I’m not over you, I don’t want to move but I feel I must
    I’m exhausted
    When I check in with my gut, you’re still here but it’s cloudy for me, I can assume it’s my emotions

     

  4. Sunday. August 17. 11:01pm

    In my mind, tonight would’ve been it. I had no anxiety, why. Because I’m ready.
    We would’ve made love again
    I would’ve held you, again
    Talking would’ve happened, finally
    Hell, you knew it, which explains why I’m in my bed alone
    Your chicken shit, a coward
    I’m angry
    It’s been too long now
    I’m not even sure how all of this lasted this long
    I’ll maybe send you one last text tonight, lightly expressing my angst
    Anger aside, my gut says: you’re more than still here, still residing within me, but i’ll worker hard this week on distractions
    The we wills and promises confuse me
    So I’ll leave this where it is
    God, grant me clarity in this. Reveal to me what I need to see to move jn the direction I need to move in. If this no longer serves your greater purpose for me, remove him, send someone to move him. Please God. Yet and still you’ve placed him so deep with me, ready him, bless him with honesty and voice. Thank you.

     

  5. August 9: 8:48am

    The time is now to write this
    It’s dark in my room and I can’t open one of my eyes
    You’re up and are you thinking of me
    After 3 pm, I’m free for you and I
    I can only handle and I only want time with you but I don’t want to beg for it
    I want you to contact me around noon and ask for all the time I can offer
    I will surely give it
    I can’t think about or even fathom the men trapped inside tinder waiting on me to confirm, fuck em, I want you
    Nothin else is acceptable but you
    For awhile I felt like you were sitting right next me, with me wherever I went
    I would have to check in with my gut to see where it was and how I was feeling and it was tricky because I had to be in a balanced state
    But after our night about a month ago…
    You moved from beside me, and seemingly we became one
    I can only describe it as we are sitting in the same chair, I guess one on the others lap
    But one
    Unified
    In sync
    One
    Bonded
    One
    A unit
    Bonded
    It’s weird
    There’s isn’t even a need to check in with my gut, the sureness is coming from by back, if it had to give it a location
    It feels so sure and certain
    Now no others with do
    I want off all dating sites…let’s make this official
    I’m ready.

     

  6. 7/2/14. 7:46pm

    I don’t understand why you’re not with me right now
    I don’t understand what’s happening
    I don’t want to keep reaching out
    I don’t know why you’re not reaching for me
    I don’t know what I’m doin
    I can’t explain my gut feelings
    I check in with myself when I’m feeling ‘normal’
    Now is not the time
    I can’t judge you
    I don’t know why it’s over
    I don’t know why you havent called as you said you would
    I don’t know why I would believe you anyway
    I don’t know what the right decision is
    I’m trying to avoid things getting messy
    I never thought you would be a coward
    I don’t know why I still feel you nearby, sooo close to me
    I don’t know why nothing makes sense
    I don’t know what happens next

     

  7. father’s day 2014

    I hadnt thought about it actually

    i ran the streets hard yesterday, i was beyond pooped when i got home, and my phone had died, so to recharge it, and the first text i received was one from my same father sister, asking how was i was, this my first fathers day without my dad

    i paused because, again i hadnt thought about it, just yet

    i went into instagram and to see all of the photos hit me a bit, and i started to cry

    i went back to instagram a little later and not i noticed how many people  know who have lost there dads, some i never knew, and some i just never knew the story

    i cried again

    i cried on and off most of today

    i had to run out for a proper distraction, and i was heading back, i got text from someone important to me, telling me that he knows that today is a bit different for me, and wishing me well

    on the subway, hot tears ran down my face, for what seemed like the longest subway ride ever

    i knew it was time to write this

    simply: i miss him, more than ever

    i forgave him while he was at Mt Sinai

    and I accepted his passing while at University of Maryland

    Rest Well Papa

     
  8. rest well

     
  9. Yesterday I attended my second Roots Picnic, a local Philadelphia festival, showcasing mostly hip hop artists, I would go again

     

  10. June 1

    It half over, the year is half over
    My love wasn’t wanted
    Rejected
    So I’m gathering my things and trying to find a place to put it
    Love is all around me,… I hear about it and I see it, it’s attracting itself to me and I to it and this ain’t a bad thing
    Someone just spoke of how he’s buying a ring next week after two years, he’s sure and god bless the two of them
    I’ve placed one of those super stong band aids over this wound because I should just face facts
    I’ve heard the facts and seen his frustration so I don’t want to add to it
    I know I’m nothing to him

    I had to leave and I’m willing to fight you for Stevie Wonder
    I need you exorcised from my head an my heart