robyn in real time

last year, same thursday before memorial day weekend, i slithered all of this into a BCBG maxi dress

i tried to straighten my still transitioning hair

i wore a stick on bra to gift me a lift

i made sure everything was perfect, accept for my nerves

i even bought my instyler to my job to keep this curls where i’d hoped they would stay

hopped in my friends borrowed car and headed to a mixer given by a group of men he belonged to

i didnt tell him i was knew about it or even that i was coming

i walked in, and i let him see me, i can always find him

he came over and seemingly happily introduced himself to my friend and said hello to me

the night was ok

we decided to leave, he had to stay til it was over, he told me goodbye

i had lost my friend, who was entertaining a few of his bredren

we hob knobbed outside of the party

then i spot him coming toward us with a young lady, seemingly walking her to her car

he said he would be back

…..

fast forward to now.. and thinking back

i dont know why i thought having to be everywhere he was, was some sort of an achievement

somewhere in the deep recesses of my pit of insecurities, i found logic, that if i was at every event he was at, i had won some sort of contest

i was a stalking, crying, filled with fear, pychopath, whose motivation was to be unstoppable at all things concerning him

tonight, same event, same location, same group of bredren

my only feeling, is that i know the last thing he would want, is me there

so i’m home, typing this.